Saturday, August 1, 2009

Dear strangers who look like absent friends: you're probably nice, but go away.

So I'm supposed to be at Sappyfest this weekend.

I'm supposed to be writing blog entries with lots of shiny pictures of how great this thing is that happens here and saying that at home we have a great big beautiful music festival this weekend too, so it's great to be able to participate in something like this even when I'm far away from where I'm from.

So I'm sorry that I'm not doing that.

And I don't really have a good excuse, or any kind of basis, but I'm kind of just feeling like "fuck Sappyfest"...

Which is not a nice thing to say, and no doubt entirely undeserved.

Let's say I'm homesick.

Let's say I'm tired of people acting cool about the things they love.

Let's say I'm not jealous of them for being able to do that any more.

Let's say I still feel bad for being the giddiest fangirl most times I go to things.

Let's say if I was where I usually am this particular weekend in August, that wouldn't be true.

Let's say I just called my Mom to ask for an eggplant recipe and ended up in tears by the time I hung up.

Let's say Sackville is a lover I've been out of love with for a while.

Let's say I feel awful about this whole entry, but I'm still going to post it.

Let's say I still find this place so beautiful, charming, witty, and enigmatic -- but let's say I just can't be bothered to crack that enigma any more.

Let's say these things happen.

Let's say I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.

Let's say this'll be pretty awkward, continuing to live together now that I've let this out, and why couldn't I wait until I was just about to leave.

Let's say this has no bearing on anybody but me.

Let's say I don't know where I'm going from here, and maybe that's why I'm getting so difficult about this right now.

Let's say it can be difficult to discern what awful thoughts should be lied about and which should be shared.

Let. Us. Say.

That I am very often afraid, although I think fear is a major problem inflicted on us from disingenuous sources.

Let us say that I have been too hesitant.

Say I shouldn't be here now.

Say I hope you are enjoying the lovely weather and music we are having this weekend.

I'm not so much, but that really has nothing to do with you.

Viva le fest de Sappy.

Just. You know. Without me.

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